So, you're a new employee at the big box? Let me take this opportunity to welcome you on board one of the largest consumer undertakings in American history. The Big Box has permeated the towns and cities of the American Landscape since you were all very young (and maybe even earlier). Now that you are of working age (or have been for a long time and just didn't know what to do with yourself), let us discuss why you are here. 

     Perhaps it was the sheer size that inspired you to come here. Or maybe it was a family member who had worked here before you. Your mother, your father, maybe even one of your grandparents used to work in our stores. One of the first things a Big Box employee must maintain is his or her rapport with the community. To do right by one's family members/fellow employees. These things can be accomplished by becoming an active part in our Assimilation -- err Public Relations team. Their job is to make sure the Big Box becomes the pinnacle of life in the community, so that the people will rejoice at the site of one of our stores.

     If public speaking is not your strength, we at the Big Box can help you harness your physical strength instead. There are lots of heavy boxes coming into our store in droves, and we need strong, youthful slaves -- er workers to help stock the shelves.

     If you are a woman, we have a fine line of duties for you to chose from: Cashier, Cleaning Lady, Staff Cook, or simply a model for our fine line of imported clothes from Luxembourg.

     As you can see, there's allot to be done for $4.95 an hour, and you should be glad you work here at the Big Box. We're glad you've made the choice to work here as well (since there really is no choice anyway).

Sincerely,

Walton Bernie
Founder & CEO
Big Box