Shopping at The Big Box is an experience like no other. From clothing to drain cleaner, infant toys to firearms, fresh vegetables to rodent control, we stock everything you don’t need at prices you can’t afford to pass up. Our underpaid workers stock our pallet racks 24 hours a day with products from exotic locations around the globe, where the leaders of tomorrow toil endlessly crafting the plastic crap that fills our shelves.
We could talk about our low, low prices, or our high, high racking, but we won’t bother. We could talk about how many acres our parking lot covers or how many local stores we’ve driven out of business, but you already know that. We could talk about how little we pay our workers all over the world, or how terribly we treat them, but most of you probably work for us and know this already. So let’s cut to the chase and just remind you to buy lots of our stuff, spend all your money in our stores, and be a good little American consumer. You’re welcome!